вЂњThree of us went to a fancy dress party in Glasgow last night dressed as a giant sandwich. вЂNoвЂ™, he responded, вЂbut IвЂ™ve got one I could aggravate for you'вЂќ вЂ“ Chic Murray вЂIn that case, have you got any wild duck?вЂ™. вЂњI went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb.

He decided to call his Scottish father-in-law the вЂњExorcistвЂќ because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear. вЂњIs it really folk dancing?вЂќ вЂњAch yes, folk dancing and enjoying themselves!вЂќ вЂ“ Stanley Baxter

A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitaminвЂќ вЂ“ Frankie Boyle вЂњWe had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. The waiter replies: вЂњNaw, yer quite right, thatвЂ™s a scone.вЂќ When the Scottish waiter arrives with a tray of cakes, she asks, вЂњIs that a scone, or a meringue?вЂќ The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland. You donвЂ™t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you homeвЂќ вЂ“ Billy Connolly One says, вЂHey you, get off of my cloud!вЂќ, and the other says, вЂHey McCloud, get off of my ewe!вЂ™ вЂ“ Reddit What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song? He will show you at the drop of a hatвЂќ вЂ“ Fred MacCaulay вЂњThere will be a lot of people watching who will wonder what does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt, and I can tell you a true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt. вЂњIn Glasgow, вЂhowвЂ™ means вЂwhyвЂ™? You do not ponder why. вЂњWhen serving an older Scottish man a tiny thimbleful of soup in a cafe, always double check that he said вЂjust a soupГ§onвЂ™ & not вЂjust a soup, son'вЂќ вЂ“ Sanjeev KohliДidn't know Airdrie was bilingual. вЂњScotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgraceвЂќ вЂ“ Billy Connolly A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

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